Self-Esteem is Hand Crafted

This article first appeared in the winter 2012/2013 issue of the online magazine B.Real.

No one can give you self-esteem. You have to build it yourself. 

1. Accept who you are where you are. You may not have the past you wish you had, made the choices you wish you’d made, or had the family or education that might have made self-esteem more natural. But here you are. Look into the mirror of your life (and a literal one when you have a chance) and say, “I acknowledge and accept you.” 

1. Take a look at anything that you are doing that is detrimental to your own good and write those things down. Here are some common ones: drink too much, get over my head in debt, date emotionally unavailable people, blame others, fail to get organized, etc.

1. Choose one of the items you’ve listed and make a list of everything you can think of to make changes that will help you to stop that one behavior. Make sure to include ideas that will take you to the opposite, more positive behavior. For instance, if you are always missing opportunities because you are missing appointments, you might sort through and discard a pile of paper scraps and transfer the important notes onto a calendar. 

1. With each accomplishment, take a few moments to relax and note how this feels in your body. Enjoy the subtle feeling of being a bit lighter. Note the sense of accomplishment. Imagine how this organization expands into all areas of your life. 

1. Keep a growing list of each accomplishment. Watch the list of accomplishments grow even as the list of needed changes diminishes.

With each accomplishment, you are building your reputation with yourself, “I’m organized,” or “I take care of my body,” or “I only choose to be in healthy relationships,” or whatever your desired goals may be.

No one but you can give yourself the gift of self-esteem. It begins with the foundation of self-acceptance and is handcrafted from there. And while you build it, it’s always fine to ask for help when you need it. 

Dr. Brian Hooper