Gay Marriage Pronouncements and the Internal Dialogue of Adolescents

Yet again, another denomination has recently decided that a core requirement of their fidelity to the Good News of Jesus is to make sure, one more time that the world knows that they are against same sex marriage. 

I wonder if they recognize the grievous message that this anti-gay marriage stance conveys to the adolescents in their churches who are beginning to recognize an internal attraction to members of the same sex, and how it affects the way adults who feel compelled to support this position parent them. 

Think, for a moment, back to the time when you were an adolescent. And I ask my heterosexual readers to ponder a) when you “decided” to be attracted to the opposite sex, and b) how awkward in general you felt, even with the social cues that said this attraction was acceptable. Add an additional degree of humiliation if you were generally uncomfortable in your own skin. Now, just for a moment, imagine the plight of a same sex attracted youth. He/She has heard nothing but condemnation of attraction to the same sex. Yet, this is his/her experience. It was not chosen. It just is! 

Far from being haters of God, these same youth are often raised in the life of their church and love the religious and social aspects of their faith communities. But, they are told that they have made a choice to feel feelings that are condemned. At the same time, their heterosexual peers are asked by their religious leaders to channel those same feelings towards a path to faithful commitment. The feelings of the straight youth are not, per se, condemned, but the same feelings in gay and lesbian youth are. Neither straight or gay youth chose the feelings they are feeling. 

This is the text of their lives-- their own internal story. And if the texts of sacred scripture are intended to help us be wholly available to the Holy One with the whole of our lives, then it is disingenuous to simply disregard the internal dialogue of our youth. To do so makes part of who they are unavailable -- hiding it deep inside so that no one may detect it. They too, often cut off this part of themselves from a conversation with God. 

Unlike the mechanical voice of an automobile’s GPS that simply gives direction and does not permit conversation, sacred scripture is a dialogue partner with the faithful on their journey.  To tell our youth to suppress their own internal dialogue, to deny it or reject it, is to silence the dialogue. And yet, this is the method of many denominations -- “We know what Scripture says and we don’t need to hear from you.” Such authoritative announcements have been wrong.  Thanks to Copernicus and Galileo, the church no longer teaches that the sun revolves around the earth. The universe did not change; the church did. In this change, the church was invited to trust the Lord of the universe over  faith in their system of faith.

Parents, encouraged by religious or other motivations, often refuse to dialogue with  gay and lesbian youth, opting for dismissing their children’s own self report and replacing it with another imposed “story” of their creation. In so doing, they reject their children. Where gay and lesbian youth are reject, we see higher rates of depression, suicide, homelessness, and risky sexual behavior. 

Are these documented negative outcomes preferred over living in a loving way with youth that invites dialogue, a dialogue that runs the risk that how one sees their family universe might just be subject to change? Is it better to embrace and put faith in a denomination’s pronouncement about one’s children or to embrace one’s children and put faith in God in the midst of what one does not fully comprehend?  

Let the dialogue begin; begin by listening. Deaf authorities have already said enough. 

Water of Life­ Plunging into the True Meaning of an Ancient Christian Sacrament

Many religions honor the sea as the place from which all life emerges. Yet, the sea is a dark and mysterious place. The Hebrew Scriptures speak of the Leviathan (sea monster) that plays in its deep places (Psalm 74). We are fascinated by the sea's power and make movies about perfect storms and unsinkable ships. We are compelled to dive into the ocean's depths. We watch movies and read books as a way of entering into the depths of our own psyches and that primordial churning sea from which we all came from.

And why? We do this so that those things that keep us from experiencing "real life" may be drowned and that we may emerge to new life­ gasping for air as we come to the surface and riding the wave of holy compassion onto the shore of ever-new beginnings. Every step of this internal process is very much a part of the plunging/washing/birthing ritual of Christian Baptism.

The sacrament of Baptism has a torrent of flowing water behind it­ water that receded from the earth and brought forth dry land in the ancient Hebrew account of creation, the flood of Noah that washed the earth for a new beginning, and the parting of the Red Sea so that an oppressed people might be liberated.

One of the earliest instructions for Baptism is found in the document called the Didache (circa 60AD/CE). It requires that candidates for the Christian sacrament be baptized in living water, not standing or stagnant, but water able to wash, hydrate and refresh. An ideal baptism is more akin to a wave that one can ride into the heart of God than a puddle in a finger bowl.

Why not still water? Because the sacrament is a call to enter the river of life with God: to take the plunge into the ever-moving stream of re-creative grace. Many churches today have baptisteries in which the water in the font is flowing freely­imaging the ever-moving life of God.

As a pastoral psychotherapist and collegiate chaplain among post-post-GenXers swimming in a sea of existential questions, I sometimes recoil at the presentation of this vital rite as a mere washing away of past transgressions or as a sign of the believer's zealous choice for God. Those are but consequences of the life-changing cataclysm of Divine Love. This Love cascades into the world without the will or invitation of humanity, drowning old, deadening paradigms and awakening the believer to the bracing spray of life-giving and life-changing love. It is this flow from God that is at the heart of the mystery of Christian faith. Now that is imagery able to quench the thirst of a generation that desires to drink in a new and renewing vision of this small oasis on which we live in the middle of the star-lit sea we call our universe!

There is little wonder why the Didache called for baptism to take place in running water. This "living water" baptism was originally a call to be carried along in the stream of new birth that flows from the womb of divine grace. So to be "born from above," to use the language of the Gospel of St. John, is not so much about choosing a set of propositions to say yes to, but in finding that God's Divine "Yes" overwhelms the baptized in the flood of gracious love, acceptance, reconciliation, affirmation, and new life.

In other words, the vital part of this living stream is not so much the believer's "yes" to God, but God's "yes" that births the newly baptized into a new relationship with God, self, and all of creation. For those of the Christian tradition, it is high time to realize the course-changing torrent of re-creative grace that is this sacrament and not to "water it down." It is time to permit this water to flow through us to refresh those who thirst for justice, to quench hearts parched for peace and to refresh with grace those who long for relief from the scorching heat of fear, guilt or shame.

In Baptism, we are named as God's own and commissioned to serve all of humanity. For those in other spiritual traditions, every encounter with water-splash, sprinkle, downpour or dive­ can be a call to return to the depths of the sea from which we first emerged, to recognize the mysterious grace of life that connects us with all other water-sustained creatures, to permit compassion to wash over our hearts and to drink freely of that deep river that connects the souls of all of humanity.

Got Goal?

(Details have been significantly changed to protect confidentiality.)

Notice that I did not title this in the plural – goals! Too often, our Goals are not accomplished because an individual goal is not clear, and this lack of clarity continues to repeat itself.

A client was recently considering an upcoming conversation with his project partner at a major advertising company. Anticipating the discussion, he was feeling conflicted, anxious, resentful, and the usual anger that regularly accompanies such mixed emotions.

I asked him what his goal (outcome) was for the conversation. He was not certain exactly what it was. In part, he felt a need to placate his partner so as to “control” any possibility of negativity. But he knew that would only result in further resentment. In part, he wanted to tell him exactly what to do. If he would agree, then he could feel that he had “won.” But such a “win” would end up being a shallow victory and he’d loose any way when his partner found a way to retaliate.

My client was tired and weary of failed attempts and uncertain of what actions to take.

Again, I asked him what his goal was? What outcome would he like? He desired that his coworker would understand the importance of their mutual conversation with their employer and members of the companies board of directors at an upcoming golf tournament. He desired that they “be on the same page” in their conversation at this important business engagement. If they were, the result could likely benefit both of them individually and together.

So, he decided that this time, when he got back to the office he would give up the goal of winning, controlling, or wrenching an apology out of his workmate for some past wound. Instead, he decided that his goal would be to ask directly for his cooperation in their exchange with his employer at the upcoming tournament, and to state the reasons for this request in a direct fashion. Then, my client asked his workmate what his goal would be for their meeting with their boss at this important social event. When framed in this direct fashion, his workmate saw an opportunity to improve his own life and their position in the company. Together, they reviewed several possible scenarios. They would be perceived as standing shoulder to shoulder. And even in the planning, they were working on being a closer “team.”

He got the cooperation he was seeking. His goal was accomplished. Why? Because he was not tripped up by lesser “goals” to which he had emotional attachment but no thoughtful commitment. These lesser goals are often the traps of our own shadow demons – those parts of our psyche that work against us if we are not awake, but can also be powerful messengers about continued inner work that is needed, if we welcome them into the grace-filled light of inner observation.

In your next important conversation, ask yourself, “What’s my goal?” If you are clear, chances are you’ll accomplish it, and many to follow. Having trouble getting clear about how to establish a single goal? Then make discussion of your goal in your next counseling session a priority. It will be a step already in the right direction. Now, go for the goal and accomplish your goals!

Down-Sizing  Internal Fullness

In the past year I’ve been going through closets, cupboards, and the garage determined to keep only what is of real use and to eliminate the rest. Each time I empty a drawer and donate the unwanted contents to charity, I feel a sense of greater fullness within. I’m struck by how grateful I feel for what I do own and have a greater determination to use it all in creative, hospitable, and vision-achieving ways.

Viewed from a psychoanalytic “defense mechanism” sense, my gleaning and cleaning may be seen as an attempt to counter the fear of scarcity that haunts a consumerist society in any recession/depression era. “See, I must be fine, I’m able to give away what I don’t need.” Though there may be a certain truth to that idea, I think it has more to do with making room within for greater expansion, creativity, and productivity.

For myself, I find that clutter simply gets in the way and takes up time. Truly, the more that I own, the more that I must manage, then the more I feel owned and managed by it. The simpler my life, in terms of things, the more efficiently I am able to use those things I have to serve the enrichment of my interior world.

For instance, to have the books in my study in order better enables me to use them in preparing articles and creative resources for my clients. The better my life is ordered, the better my ability to order and organize my own thinking, to be clear about my goals, and to energetically engage my passion, the clutter no longer drains my energy.

So, let me encourage you to join with me to simplify your life, to keep the energy of your possessions circulating, and to create a place within for the intangible creative process to produce tangible results that serve your mission in this world!