Got Goal?

(Details have been significantly changed to protect confidentiality.)

Notice that I did not title this in the plural – goals! Too often, our Goals are not accomplished because an individual goal is not clear, and this lack of clarity continues to repeat itself.

A client was recently considering an upcoming conversation with his project partner at a major advertising company. Anticipating the discussion, he was feeling conflicted, anxious, resentful, and the usual anger that regularly accompanies such mixed emotions.

I asked him what his goal (outcome) was for the conversation. He was not certain exactly what it was. In part, he felt a need to placate his partner so as to “control” any possibility of negativity. But he knew that would only result in further resentment. In part, he wanted to tell him exactly what to do. If he would agree, then he could feel that he had “won.” But such a “win” would end up being a shallow victory and he’d loose any way when his partner found a way to retaliate.

My client was tired and weary of failed attempts and uncertain of what actions to take.

Again, I asked him what his goal was? What outcome would he like? He desired that his coworker would understand the importance of their mutual conversation with their employer and members of the companies board of directors at an upcoming golf tournament. He desired that they “be on the same page” in their conversation at this important business engagement. If they were, the result could likely benefit both of them individually and together.

So, he decided that this time, when he got back to the office he would give up the goal of winning, controlling, or wrenching an apology out of his workmate for some past wound. Instead, he decided that his goal would be to ask directly for his cooperation in their exchange with his employer at the upcoming tournament, and to state the reasons for this request in a direct fashion. Then, my client asked his workmate what his goal would be for their meeting with their boss at this important social event. When framed in this direct fashion, his workmate saw an opportunity to improve his own life and their position in the company. Together, they reviewed several possible scenarios. They would be perceived as standing shoulder to shoulder. And even in the planning, they were working on being a closer “team.”

He got the cooperation he was seeking. His goal was accomplished. Why? Because he was not tripped up by lesser “goals” to which he had emotional attachment but no thoughtful commitment. These lesser goals are often the traps of our own shadow demons – those parts of our psyche that work against us if we are not awake, but can also be powerful messengers about continued inner work that is needed, if we welcome them into the grace-filled light of inner observation.

In your next important conversation, ask yourself, “What’s my goal?” If you are clear, chances are you’ll accomplish it, and many to follow. Having trouble getting clear about how to establish a single goal? Then make discussion of your goal in your next counseling session a priority. It will be a step already in the right direction. Now, go for the goal and accomplish your goals!